Depression In Concealment

I have the shallowest understanding of what depression is all about. I make that mistake of putting depression and sadness and/or loneliness in equal footing. I am very wrong. It is not a feeling that you can explain. It is not something you can analyze. It is something that needs treatment. It is a sickness without really any visible symptoms. Until it got to me. Mildly, but it did. Without any logical explanation, it takes you captive. The period may last for hours or days but it comes and goes. It keeps you company. It is cunning and it can be masked. Since depression is invisible, it is not easily detected. 

You cry for very shallow reasons or for no reason at all. You feel alone even if you have company. You don’t feel like going out. You don’t feel you can socialize. You are always the life of the party until depression joins you. It is when all of the senses work doubletime. It has the “feels”. It gives you that mood of wanting to curl up and shut the noisy world behind you. You would rather sleep. You don’t even have the energy to eat; even if eating is your hobby. You feel tired when all you did was sleep, lie down, eat, go to the bathroom - repeat. It is like saying yes and being excited at the thought of having a crazy night out with friends then back out at the very last minute. It makes you silent. You wouldn’t want to talk or utter a single word. Your thoughts though race in every direction imaginable. Senses heightened. You snap. 

You get angry and emotional easily. It affects you and sometimes it feels like you are spiraling out of control. You hold on to anything. Any available thing that matters to you. You hold on to your sanity. You feel you are losing it yet you deny you are. It is this denial that has been holding me back from snapping out of this “rut” I am in.

So, I accept that I am depressed. I have seen worse. (Hello, denial!) I need to write all of my thoughts and sum all of the remaining courage to finally admit, I am depressive. The second thing I need to admit - I need help. I need help from people around me. First, to understand what I am going thru. It is not easy to admit all these. It makes me feel weak when I know I am not. (Denial again) It pictures me as a helpless individual who cannot stand on my own two feet - firmly on the ground. I always remind myself, it’s ok not to be ok. It is a tough task to do it, though. It takes a lot from me to say that I am not ok and I should be ok with that. 

I need to write about this to remind myself that I need to snap out of it. That I have a purpose in life. That I have dreams and I have plans - concrete and detailed. I wonder if my upcoming birthday has anything to do with this. I wonder if this is just part of my mid-life crisis. No, I cannot wonder much. I need to snap out of this and move on. I have things to do, dreams to fulfill and a wonderful life to live. I will get out of this. I need to get out of this. 

I am lucky to have my life partner to help me. Help me focus and help me cope up. I am coming out of this. I need to. Responsibilities cannot be put on hold any longer. It has been held up for far too long already. 

I need to wake up.