Malalim Ang Gabi

Malalim ang gabi

Malakas ang bugso ng hangin

Pumapatak ang ulan

Malamig

Tulog na ang karamihan sa nayon

Kasama ko ang huni ng hangin

Humahampas na parang alon

Parang tugon sa mga panalangin

Kasama ko ang tuko

Na sa punong mangga’y nakatungko

Mga alagang pusa

Na kaysarap tingnan pag namamahinga

Ang isip ay aligaga

Sa dami ng aking nakikita

Sa dami ng aking mga isipin

Nangagamba ang damdamin

Marahil ay tanggap ko na

Hindi ko na nga alintana

Itong sakit ng pag-iisip

Utak ko’y naninikip

May lungkot na nadarama

Pakiramdam ko’y mabigat twina

Samu’t saring isipin

Pagpasok sa diwa’y sabay-sabay pa man din

Tila mahirap ipaliwanag

Sa mga taong hindi makapaniwala

O hindi maaninag

Itong sakit na dinadala

Mahaba-habang panahon

Ang pagdadala ng depresyon

Ang sumusumpong na pagkabahala

Nagsusumamong wag na sanang lumala

Paikot-ikot at paulit-ulit

Parang batang makulit

Unti-unting binabalot

Ng hindi maintindihang lungkot

Tanging dasal na sana ay gumaling

Maka-ahon at sigla’y bumalik

Manumbalik sa mga mata ang ningning

Sa pangmatagalang kasiyahan ako’y sabik

Nasaan na nga ba ang dating ako

Na walang takot na sinisino

Walang masamang naiisip ni isa

Bihirang mabalisa

Heto ngayon at nagsusulat

Panglaban sa lungkot at puyat

Dapat nang matulog at sa sarili’y sinasabi

Malalim na ang gabi

How To Save A Life

Depression and anxiety could lead to suicidal thoughts. It is cringe worthy that you would even think of or have suicidal thoughts. Let me tell you something, IT'S REAL!

It is rather offensive when people say that people who commit suicide are cowards or don't believe in God, god or any higher being. It is a cry for help - sometimes, the last cry for help. For someone with depression, the thoughts may range from wanting to disappear to end all the confusion, the unexplained sadness, the feeling of being a burden to everybody and the feeling of being alone even in a crowd. It starts there. It is a thought that doesn't come when someone is emotional, it comes when it is all calm. 

I should know. I've had these suicidal thoughts and it came when I WAS CALM. I thought of how I could manage to make it look like an accident so as not to hurt my family and loved ones. We do know it hurts - however we may want to put an end to our life. It hurts physically, emotionally and mentally. It also hurts our loved ones. If there was any one thought that made me focus on more than the many other thoughts racing through my mind during my anxiety or depressed mode, it is the suicidal thought. My conscious self had to fight hard against the subconscious thoughts and/or suggestion of suicide.

It is not difficult to save a life. For a lot of people suffering from depression and anxiety who have suicidal thoughts, the best way to help them is to be there for them. It is not to talk down to them or to berate them but they need someone to listen and to hold their hand. They need to be assured that there is someone willing to listen and that everything will be over in time. They need people to tell them there will be healing and recovery.
The best way to save a life is not to run in front of a raging bullet. The best way to save a life is to be kind to everybody.

Note: Please listen to the song, "How To Save A Life" by The Fray. 

[Originally posted on Facebook]

Cutting Away

We all heard and/or read about the employee who took a “Mental Health” leave and the epic response the CEO gave. It was a breath of fresh air knowing that your boss understands and supports you. The CEO knows that a person who is not in his/her 100% is a liability to the organization. An employee’s well being is important in doing tasks assigned.

What might have been missed is that the employee in the “viral news” knows how to take care of herself. Self-care is important. My girlfriend, friends and those who are helping/have helped me recover say so. I can only agree.

Having my first Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) session has given me tools to look inward. It has given me time to reflect and to realize what I lack or what I have been doing wrong. In short, I was not asking for help when I need help. Maybe I was, but the message didn’t get through. Maybe I was sending mixed signals. Finally, maybe I was too proud to ask. That has been the case since I could remember. Certainly, it has been like that since I have lost my family members one by one. 

We have seen the quotes in various pictures and languages and tones about cutting out the stressors in our life. We, as adults though, all agree that work can be stressful and there are good and bad stressors. For me, the stressors come in different forms and from different persons and situations. In NLP, I was taught to cut the stress that makes me anxious. Cut from the people and situations or avoid if possible. A cutting hand gesture suggests that we should cut it and that the mind should follow. I still need practice to make this happen as I need to identify the triggers of my anxiety attacks.

After the anxiety attack comes the depression mode. It spirals down and it feels physically heavy. With all the thoughts that race through my mind, it is difficult to focus on one task without thinking about the other tasks I need to finish. Maybe this is the downside of multi-tasking.

It is difficult to explain anxiety and depression to people who don’t have any idea what it is. It may be because the word depressed is overused and misused. People that don’t understand or have not experienced this, link depression to sadness, loneliness or  melancholy. It is and it is not. It feels sad and lonely but it is not your typical sadness or loneliness let’s say when you just broke up or a loved one died. It feels empty at times. It gives no warning and defies logical explanation.

All my life I have been curious and have believed that there is a logical explanation to everything. Recovering (or trying to) from depression and anxiety, I think not everything can be explained – at least logically. Like feelings. Feelings cannot be explained. It is felt and no matter how much I try to explain why I feel a certain way to a certain incident or situation, it does not capture what I am going through or the feeling/s I have inside. It doesn’t also help that my personality feels and cares too much and I have that difficulty to detach from something or someone whom I have invested time and passion for.

There are no right or wrong feelings. One cannot say that I am wrong in feeling a certain way because my feelings are mine. It cannot be taken away from me. I can only un-feel them or change the way I feel.

Sadly, when things get too much for me I want to disappear. Literally just vanish in thin air. In my “calm” moments, I have suicidal thoughts. All of them nasty. All of them unacceptable to my conscious mind. I fight these thoughts. Of all the thoughts that race through my mind, suicidal thoughts are the worse. Thoughts of making it appear like an accident and that sort of stuff. It makes me cringe that I have those. I stop myself from thinking about it. In fighting those, I still have that hope of not giving up on myself. I guess I still have in me the strength to not give up.

I will not be the same person I was. This is what I have realized. I will not be the same. I may recover and be a better person but not the same person that denied that I have depression and anxiety. That I do have a mental health problem. That I do need help.

This is still an uphill battle. I am just grateful that people help and support me. That people still encourage me to hang on and make it through all these. Of all the people that do, I am most grateful for the unconditional, unselfish and committed love from my girlfriend. It is tough to be a partner to someone with depression. It is not easy continuing a relationship. We get by. We talk things through. She may not be the only source of light in this dark stage of my life but she shines the brightest specially when the going gets tough.

My Uphill Battle With Depression And Anxiety

My depressive mode and anxiety attacks worsened before I mustered the strength to seek help. Help came in the form of a friend who introduced me to Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Reiki Healing.

Before I had my session, there was a heaviness that I could physically feel. This sets in after a bout with anxiety. I guess depression has this physical effect of heaviness in me. After Reiki, the heaviness was lifted. I felt lighter. I find it unusual that having depression and anxiety does not affect or may seem not to have any effect on my blood pressure.

NLP gave me the tools to examine myself. Truth be told, I might need a few more sessions. It taught me how to deal with my thought processes and my communication. I am still dealing with it but examining one's self is necessary for healing and self care.

Changes are noticeable but it is still an uphill battle for me.

I have been more open and accepting of the fact that I do have depression and anxiety. There are still traces of denial.

My next BIG step is to summon enough courage to go to a Psych. Something I am afraid of. I am wary of the consult and the meds that might be prescribed.

While depression and anxiety is a personal battle that I need to face, I am thankful for the friends that give me support and encouragement to overcome it. However awkward sometimes they sound with their pieces of advice, they mean well. I am most thankful to my life partner, love of my life and  girlfriend for standing by me and holding my hand as I go through this challenging phase of my life.

I hope I'd be able to write more often and publish at least one article or piece per day. I discovered that writing has a calming effect on me though as you can see, if I don't edit what I write the piece just goes to all directions. This piece is intended to be published as I write. In doing so, I might be able to learn more how my thought process work when I write.

It's an uphill battle. I have to deal with a raging war of contradictions in my head. I have to fight my thoughts and make things more logical. I'm doing all these one step at a time, one day at a time.

Angie and Joey King - Hail to the Queen!

Eversince Angie came out or was accidentally “outed” by Instagram, she has been a darling. She comes from a well-off family and has a collection of cars motorheads envy. For me she embodies what “transition” is all about. It’s the physical transitioning from male to female. Her transition did not change her passion for cars, a manly world. Her transition has not changed her love for her wife, Joey. She still lives the life most could only dream of.

According to her, transitioning was not easy. Still not easy. It was not easy for her friends and family either. It was maybe more difficult for her wife. During the TV special, she says that while she considers herself now part of the LGBT community, she humbly claims she still has a lot to learn about what being LGBT is. That made me admire her more. Her male friends from way back may have had a difficult time but I’m glad they still saw their friend in Angie.

Her story is not the stereotypical trans woman portrayed in the screen as a “byukonera”. She did not have to leave home after coming out and had to sleep on the hard ground because her family disowned her. I was wondering if her different experience endeared me to her. She talks softly and without the arrogance of an heir to the family’s businesses. She is honest with what she feels and what she knows. Then of course my cynicism kicks in and tells me, what if all these were just for show? I don’t know but somehow it’s too much to be consistent with the lies if it were. I just wish Angie and Joey happiness and love.