Depression In Concealment

I have the shallowest understanding of what depression is all about. I make that mistake of putting depression and sadness and/or loneliness in equal footing. I am very wrong. It is not a feeling that you can explain. It is not something you can analyze. It is something that needs treatment. It is a sickness without really any visible symptoms. Until it got to me. Mildly, but it did. Without any logical explanation, it takes you captive. The period may last for hours or days but it comes and goes. It keeps you company. It is cunning and it can be masked. Since depression is invisible, it is not easily detected. 

You cry for very shallow reasons or for no reason at all. You feel alone even if you have company. You don’t feel like going out. You don’t feel you can socialize. You are always the life of the party until depression joins you. It is when all of the senses work doubletime. It has the “feels”. It gives you that mood of wanting to curl up and shut the noisy world behind you. You would rather sleep. You don’t even have the energy to eat; even if eating is your hobby. You feel tired when all you did was sleep, lie down, eat, go to the bathroom - repeat. It is like saying yes and being excited at the thought of having a crazy night out with friends then back out at the very last minute. It makes you silent. You wouldn’t want to talk or utter a single word. Your thoughts though race in every direction imaginable. Senses heightened. You snap. 

You get angry and emotional easily. It affects you and sometimes it feels like you are spiraling out of control. You hold on to anything. Any available thing that matters to you. You hold on to your sanity. You feel you are losing it yet you deny you are. It is this denial that has been holding me back from snapping out of this “rut” I am in.

So, I accept that I am depressed. I have seen worse. (Hello, denial!) I need to write all of my thoughts and sum all of the remaining courage to finally admit, I am depressive. The second thing I need to admit - I need help. I need help from people around me. First, to understand what I am going thru. It is not easy to admit all these. It makes me feel weak when I know I am not. (Denial again) It pictures me as a helpless individual who cannot stand on my own two feet - firmly on the ground. I always remind myself, it’s ok not to be ok. It is a tough task to do it, though. It takes a lot from me to say that I am not ok and I should be ok with that. 

I need to write about this to remind myself that I need to snap out of it. That I have a purpose in life. That I have dreams and I have plans - concrete and detailed. I wonder if my upcoming birthday has anything to do with this. I wonder if this is just part of my mid-life crisis. No, I cannot wonder much. I need to snap out of this and move on. I have things to do, dreams to fulfill and a wonderful life to live. I will get out of this. I need to get out of this. 

I am lucky to have my life partner to help me. Help me focus and help me cope up. I am coming out of this. I need to. Responsibilities cannot be put on hold any longer. It has been held up for far too long already. 

I need to wake up.

Dating Women When You’re Both Over 40

In the age of dating apps and websites, meeting your potential girlfriend in real life (IRL) is still the best. No “filtered” or “photoshopped” picture that can either be disappointing or pleasantly surprising when meeting IRL. There will always be the “cute” awkwardness or the “casual” meal before everything heats up during coffee or wine. 

When in your 40’s or maybe even beyond, there may be shortcuts that could be taken. When you are both mature to lay all the cards or baggages on the table, it makes dating or having a relationship a lot simpler but not easier. There are things to consider like geographical location, religious or political beliefs, kids - the furry kind and those who are either still in school or are now working, aging parents, ex’s and a whole lot more. The conditions of schedules and responsibilities that maybe those who are younger or with fewer responsibilities may have it easier. Adjustment is one big word that comes with the bigger word of commitment. It is in this age that the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of love may not be sustained after a period of time. Speaking of periods, it is going to be a rollercoaster of a ride with the hormones when you are “peri-menopausal”. The hot flashes and mood swings abound. And when you thought you were really old enough to go out and spend the night somewhere romantic with that someone special or drive somewhere with that person you just met at the coffeeshop or at the bar, reality strikes you about those things you or she has to consider mentioned above. When the cool breeze sets in and she is cozying up to you then the phone goes -  a text message from one of the kids or worse, they’re calling! Those just kill the romance but hey, that’s life over forty! 

Adjustments. Adjusting. Two women going thru phases of perimenopause is WOW! Imagine having to adjust from your old ways. Two different people maybe similar to upbringing but still the differences are at the very least, noticeable. It may be as simple as eating out or as complicated as moving in together. When you are both in love and you try your best to be the better person for your partner, it takes a toll on you, on her and on the relationship. Your old friends and family notice the changes first. Then you realize the changes. In awe, you tell her and she tells you. The changes that hopefully make you a better person. Hopefully, that’s what happens. You evolve into better versions of yourselves because somehow you know there will never be another chance like this. That for every argument or debate passionately discussed after dinner, over coffee, after a very intimate moment or before going to sleep, you know that you both have the same good intentions. 

Falling in love when you’re over forty is scary or rather, scarier. It scares you more than when you were just feeling in love for the first time at sixteen because honestly, it all feels like the first time. All the bad experiences make you stop yourself from falling in love again. Then you tell yourself it’s always the same but at the same time it will be different this time. You will be different this time. You believe you are wiser. You believe that you know better because of the lessons learned from the past. 

Be brave. Have a little faith. Enjoy the ride. Falling in love when you’re over forty is discovering the fountain of youth! 😉

Wind Blows

Wind blows
Sun sets
Age shows
Some upsets

Fly high
Push hard
Sleep tight
Inward

Go
With the flow
Stand
Both feet on the ground

- 19 March 2017

Wag!

Wag

Wag kang lalapit

Wag kang titingin

Hindi ko kakayanin

Baka dala mo ay sakit

May takot na ako

Sa mga kagaya mo

Matamis ang ngiti

Nangungusap ang mga mata’t labi

Wag mo akong kausapin

Hindi kita kilala

Madali akong madala

Wag mo akong tuksuhin

Tatabi ka pa talaga

At kakausapin ako

Magpapakilala

Mapapakwento ako

Pilit kong inaalis

Ang mata ko sa iyong mukha

Ang isip ko nasaan na?

Sa iba na lang please

Masasaktan ka lang

Mahilig akong maglaro

Susuyuin kita hanggang

Mapasagot kita ng oo

Iiwan din kita

O iiwan mo rin ako

Masasaktan kita

O masasaktan mo ako

Yayayain kitang magkape

Maghuhuntahan tayo

Hanggang maging araw ang gabi

Magkasama tayo

Magkakapalagayan tayo ng loob

Mahuhulog ka sa akin

Tapos bigla na lang tataob

Sa takot ko, bigla ka na lang lilisanin

Hindi ako duwag

Hindi ito ang una

Puso natin ay tumitibok na

Wag!

- 17 March 2017